If Symptoms Persists, Consult Haruno Sakura
by A.G. Ryle
Summary: It is Halloween and a lot of people are getting sick, one of them is Naruto. Sakura was assigned to do the job since the rest of the medic nin are on vacation, but can she cure the sickness even she cannot overcome? A Paranormal Activity Parody. Post Halloween fic.


******If Symptoms Persists, Consult Haruno Sakura**  


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto, I only own the plot of the story.

**Author's Note: **I just watched the latest Amityville House Horror and it somewhat reminded me of the Paranormal Activity series (I liked the 2005 movie more than the latest... :|). So anyway, I got inspired by it and wrote this one shot :) Hope you'll guys enjoy reading this fic as much as I enjoyed typing it. Take care ya'll :D

* * *

"Sakura, we have a problem." Tsunade said as she rushed to her office with the rosette on her tail. "I know I declared this day a holiday, but…" Tsunade was really in panic, Sakura could tell. Something bad must have happened. "There's an unknown sickness going around the village of Konoha. And I need you to cure as many patients as you can to stop the sickness from spreading." The hokage sternly ordered to the rosette before shooing her away from the office.

_You'll be working in the clinic for the whole day. And make sure by the end of the day, you'll report to me all your findings regarding the unknown sickness._

"This would be a busy day." Sakura said to herself as she waited patiently on her desk, not minding the camera in the corner of the square room.

**[October 31, 9:00 am]**

"Come in." Sakura said upon hearing the knock from the door. She was beyond glad that her first patient will not be a stranger. But she was somewhat worried and scared that he might not be able to save his friend from the said sickness lurking around Konoha. "Oh. Kiba, come on in."

"Can Akamaru come?" The brunet asked shyly. Animals are usually not allowed inside the clinic, but the look on Kiba's face tells her inner side that he needs his pal to be with him. This sickness must be indeed very serious.

"Sure thing, he can come in." she said with a smile on her face as she head to the examination bed.

"Thank you, Sakura." Kiba gladly replied as he led his best friend to the said bed and, to Sakura's surprise, laid him there.

"Kiba! You cannot do that." Sakura exclaimed wile flailing her hands in front of the brunet who was, on the other hand, petting his best friend.

"You said he can come in."

"I know I said that, but it doesn't mean he can sit his ass there on the bed!" Sakura retorted, "Sick patients lie in there, it has to be clean."

"It would be the same. A sick person would come and leave afterwards, leaving his sickly germs on the bed. Then another patient will arrive and will lie on the bed where the previous patient laid." Kiba replied as he fully faced the enraged rosette. Akamaru only managed to make a sigh-like sound and looked down.

"Not all patients would lie there!"

"Yes, not all. But you would never run out of sick people who would lie in there!"

"Just put your dog down, he could lie on the carpet."

"HE is sick. And he's not even lying."

"I am not a vet!" Sakura yelled at the brunette. "Your mother and sister are vets, why don't you approach them?"

"Because they fucking left me and went somewhere to relax!"

"And why ask me you prick?!"

"Because you're my friend!"

"Then I am telling you beforehand that I can't heal animals! Why not ask other people, your teammates perhaps?"

"So you want Akamaru to have bee-hive balls positioned next to his virgin dawg? No way man!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

Enraged, Kiba flipped his dog in a manner that Akamaru's back is rested on the bed, and his rear feet are widely opened by his beloved owner.

"Akamaru's balls are gone!"

_Geez, this cannot be happening…_ Sakura mused as she stares at the dog's ball-less private part. "Kiba, I am sorry, but I cannot—"

"You must know some jutsu to make it grow again." The brunet pleaded, not minding the growling, angry dog beside him. "C'mon, help him."

Sakura then scratched behind her head and slowly approached the growling dog to examine the case.

"Well, how did Akamaru lose er… his uh… you know." Sakura asked as she attempted to touch the part where the dog's balls used to be located, but the growl of the dog halted her from continuing it.

"I don't know. It just happened." Kiba casually replied, earning him a smack behind his head. "Why you…"

"Me what? I am the doctor here. _**The doctor.**_" Sakura pointed out, calming the brunet and returning his gaze back at the angry dog.

"Look, Kiba. I really don't know how this unfortunate happening… happened." Sakura melancholy replied to the brunet as she tapped his shoulder.

"I understand, Sakura. Thank you." Kiba replied with a smile. After short glances and exchange of goodbyes, the brunet left with his dog, while the rosette went to the sink to wash her hands.

Kiba forgot to close the door, but for some reason, it automatically closed like someone banged it. It startled Sakura a little, but shoved of the idea away and head to her desk to write her report.

**[October 31, 12:07 pm]**

"Come in." Sakura said after taking a sip from her coffee. Three hours had passed since the brunet visited her and she already gave medications to twenty patients. She was somewhat exhausted, sitting in her desk as she awaits her next patient to come in.

And without asking for the patient's name, just looking at the brunet's pineapple hairstyle, Sakura was definitely sure that her twenty-first patient is none other than Nara Shikamaru.

"Shikamaru, what brings you here?" Sakura asked upon approaching the lazed-off brunet who sat on the examination bed without Sakura's order. The rosette then placed her and on his forehead to check his temperature. "You don't have any fever, nor signs of cough and colds. What brings you here?"

"Sakura, do you have any cure for this sickness?" The brunet asked.

Sakura trembles inside. Is this the sickness Tsunade was talking about? Sakura then rushed to the cabinet to get her tools and examined the brunet: His hearing, eye sight, reflexes; all his senses, but all seems to work well.

"Shikamaru, you're actually… fine." She said while staring at the brunet curiously. Shikamaru then sighed and looked outside of the window.

"Look, I cannot cure you unless you tell me what's wrong. Do you have a headache or something?" Sakura asked as she sat on the stool parallel to the brunet. Shikamaru then sighed once more and faced Sakura with his usual lazy expression.

"The Hokage left me with tons of paper works due tomorrow. Mendokuse, and to think she declared this day a holiday." The brunet ranted, earning him a pat on the shoulder from Sakura.

"Ha, I feel you. So I assume your problem is head-ache. Let me give you some pills for that." Sakura cheerfully said as she stood up and head to the medicine cabinet.

"Actually, it's not it." The brunet said, halting the rosette from searching the glass cabinet. Sakura then turned around to face the problematic brunet.

"What is it?" she asked worriedly.

Seconds had already passed since silence dawned into the room; the two just stared at each other like their brains can communicate just by staring. Then finally, Shikamaru's lips set apart and answered Sakura's question.

"I was actually going to ask for medication regarding laziness." And with his that, he was cured by being ruthlessly pushed outside of the clinic by the enraged rosette.

"Shannaro~!" She exclaimed upon entering the clinic once more. It did not startle the pained brunet. What startled him the most is the door slamming on front of his face without someone actually slamming it… to his face.

**[October 31, 3:14 pm]**

"Come in." Sakura said for the nth time as numerous patients come and go to her clinic. And this time, after Shikamaru's visit, her following patients suffered from severe allergies. She wrote everything down on her notebook but its relation with cough and colds still doesn't make any sense for her, especially when Hyuuga Neji turns out to be her next patient for the day.

"What can I do for you, Neji?" Sakura asked as calm as possible, preventing herself not to laugh nor smile.

"Well, as you can see, someone played a stupid prank on me when I was asleep." The brunet explained as he lightly smacked Sakura's desk as he sat on the visitor's chair. And this time, Sakura allowed the heavy laugh to escape from her lips.

Neji was not suffering from any illness at all. But rather, he was suffering from a bad make-up and hair day. Neji actually looks like a female rock star! With her eyes rendered with metallic gold and silver eye-shadow. His usual pale face is currently pinkish, similar to Hinata whenever she sees Naruto. And his lips were somewhat similar to Angelina Jolie's – thick and red. And for the love of human nature, his hair is in five braids from root to tip, bundled together by a fluffy pink crunchy. Hyuuga Neji was a hot chick himself.

"I know you only cure sick people. But I have a strong feeling my team mates did this to me." Neji uttered as he looked down. "I believe you're the only one who could help me."

It halted Sakura from laughing, and instead, gave Neji a sweet smile before rummaging her bag for her make-up remover, and her hair-brush.

**[October 31, 10:00 pm]**

It was late. Sakura had never stayed in the hospital this late since she became Tsunade's apprentice. She was happy that an hour had already passed since her last patient arrived. She is happily cleaning all the tools she used when…

"Sakura-chan!" A blond with whisker-like scars on his face suddenly entered the clinic with a face even an artist like Sai could not paint. Sakura then sighed and smacked the blond on the head. "Ow! Na-na-nandattebayo?!"

"Keep it down you baka. Everyone is sleeping you fool."

"But I need you!" The blond said as he rushed to the rosette without even closing the door, causing it to slam loudly.

"Naruto, I said keep it down!"

"I… I… I…" Naruto repeatedly uttered as he stares at the door that automatically slammed before his eyes.

Sakura then sighed and rubbed her temples. "Look, I have to go home soon. Just sit on the bed for a while."

"W-w-where are you going—ttebayo?"

"In the toilet room, wanna come?" Sakura said sarcastically. Naruto then shook his head and sat on the bed, watching the rosette vanish from the room.

Second later after Sakura closed the door in the toilet room, the entrance door of the clinic began to creek open, causing the blond to jump off from the bed and waited for someone to come in. The blond was really expecting someone to enter, like the hokage or their sensei, or Iruka, even Sai, but no one entered. It just opened. Naruto then thought that maybe the door was broken so he closed it once more. But when he was about to sit on the bed once more, the door opened again. Naruto then growled at the door and closed it once more; this time he used the stool to block the door to jam it. But as he was to return to the bed for the second time, the door opened again. It scared Naruto this time, for only a person with hands can turn the door knob and actually push the door with the stool blocking it.

"Oh sweet mother of frogs…" He said under his breath as he walks backwards, away from the door, when the lights began flickering, causing him to clumsily stumble on the bed and fall effortlessly on the floor.

"Oh my for the love of Jashin, save me!" Naruto cried with eyes as big as the ball upon seeing a human shadow approach him. "Curse that silver haired Akatsuki man I am now converted, oh please save me—ttebayo!" He cried upon seeing this time, a silhouette of a faceless girl with scalpel on her hands. Naruto then stood up, despite of his shaky legs and somewhat wet pants, and bravely faced the girl. But as he was about to move backward, he accidentally tripped again and land on the floor.

The girl was approaching, with her weapon held high in the air, aiming towards the blond.

"Sa-Sa-Sakura… I know you won't be able to hear this…" Naruto stammers upon closing his eyes and shakily accepting his death. He then took a deep breath, shut his eyes close, and tried to calm down. "Damn you Sakura, I love you!" He cried upon hearing a loud thud somewhere out there.

"You… what?" A familiar voice asked, causing Naruto to immediately open his eyes, only to find out that the rosette was standing in front of him, carrying the newly cleaned tools. Everything was back to normal also; the door was closed, and the lights stopped flickering.

"Naruto, what you said earlier, is it… true?" Sakura asked curiously at the shocked blond.

Naruto then stood up and smiled sheepishly to Sakura. "Heh, don't mind what I said." Naruto then bid farewell and left the clinic.

* * *

Tsunade then turned off the television with a smile marked on her face.

"Hokage-sama, I still—ow! Don't' know—ow! Why you did this—OW!" The brunet cried as the blond beside him cures his bruises.

"Stay still, Shikamaru." The blonde ordered. "But, why are you doing this?" The blond asked.

"Well, I want to know how she would handle such heavy job." Tsunade replied coolly upon facing the two young people.

"Eh~… Are you planning to promote her, Tsunade-sama?" The blonde asked, half excited and half jealous.

"Nope. She's too young to be promoted. And I am not pertaining to the patients she handled today."

"Then what is it?" The blonde asked, earning her a pat on the head from the hokage.

"I wanted to know how an injured doctor would cure a love-sick patient." Tsunade finished as she went out of the room.

"Ne, Shikamaru, what does Tsunade-sama meant?" the blonde asked as she immediately faced her brunet friend. Shikamaru then looked up at the ceiling like the answer to his friend's question would come falling down anytime.

"I'm not sure, Ino. But I think Tsunade wanted to play match-making with Naruto and Sakura."

"Why would she?" Ino asked curiously, still not getting the brunet's point.

"I think Sakura's injured in a way that cupid shot an arrow towards her heart and is now denying the fact that she has growing feelings towards Naruto." The brunet explained. A smile grew on Ino's face as she turned and faced the television and switched it on with the controller.

"Oi, Ino, I don't think we should—"

"Oh hush, Shikamaru." Ino said as she watched Sakura on the screen. The rosette was obviously blushing at Naruto's words. And Ino swore she heard the rosette whispered _'I love you too'_ as she closed the lights and lock the clinic.

"I knew it! Sakura does love him back." Ino exclaimed, making Shikamaru rub his temple for having a noisy and troublesome friend. But he cannot blame the blonde, she and Sakura _are_ best of friend, even though it is not obvious.

"But, why did Tsunade-sama hired all Sakura's patients if she only wanted Sakura to be with Naruto?"

Shikamaru then gave her a smirk as he stood up and stretched. "It is Halloween; everyone deserves to be prank today." With that, the two left the room, forgetting to turn off the television, which happened to shut down all by itself.


End file.
